Posted by Java

As every squirrel knows, one of your society's biggest problems to date (not including the obvious Human-related issues) is oil addiction:

http://squirrelhazing.squirrelsinblack.org/

This was once thought to be a problem unique to squirrels.  But recent Human headlines have called into question that assumption. From the BBC:

I didn't know what "oil" this American Human who speaks as the single head of the American Humans was talking about.

By the way, who ever heard of giving so much responsibility to ONE individual! Please! Squirrels learned that lesson the hard way many many generations ago - that's why you squirrels have your "executive branch"; and why ALL white squirrels are members and all decisions are based on a consensus.  One individual shouldn't be expected to make ALL of the decisions for everyone. How long do you think it'll take for the Humans to realize this? The last squirrel that was designated as the single head of squirrel society ended up pulling out all of her fur before going for a long, final swim in nearby coastal waters because she thought she was turning into a fish!! 

I did a lot of research into this, to try to find out if American Humans are actually addicted to peanut oil.  It took some digging, but I believe I found proof positive that it is, in fact, peanut oil they are addicted to.  From Wikipedia:

A PEANUT FARMER!! 

Here is not only the proof of America's addiction to peanut oil, but here is also THE SOURCE!  AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT!!    (I bet he got that bent finger from a strung-out squirrel! We need to conduct interviews in that area to find out for sure.)

So what do we do? If the American Humans are addicted to peanut oil, what chance do squirrels have at escaping from this burden of Human origin?

First, we need to educate the squirrel masses.  You MUST teach your offspring to NEVER accept peanuts or peanut oil from a Human.  They are just trying to share their own self-induced misery and dependence since Humans are the only animals who believe that "misery loves company". 

Second, we MUST reduce the threat from peanut farms - just make sure you don't eat the peanuts in the process.  I suggest eating the young peanut plants BEFORE the humans have a chance to poison them.  Squirrel teeth are perfect for this. Yes, the plants may be bitter, but it's for the good of the species!

Third, we must educate the Humans (HA!) about what the squirrels have learned about Peanut addiction.

1) All it takes is one peanut to become addicted, so don't even try one.
 2) If it's an addicting substance, don't go looking for it. Leave it where it is and walk away.
 3) Don't give any attention to peanut oil providers.  They are just trying to get you (or keep you) addicted. 
 4) You can find something else to snack on if you look and work hard enough.
 5) Support from family, friends, and society is critical to recovering from any addiction.
 6) Avoidance is the most effective treatment for peanut oil addiction.
 7) If all else fails, go out and eat as many peanuts as you possibly can until you get sick.  Ill health will often change one's cravings.  So will dying.  At the very least, others will see you making a fool of yourself and learn from your mistakes.

As we can see, peanut oil addiction is something that is no longer limited to squirrels.  It affects Humans, too.

It is up to squirrels to show these pathetic animals how to develop a strong defense and positive attitude in the face of an all-consuming addiction. Let's end your own addiction to peanut oil to show the Humans how it is done.

(Big brains, indeed - Humans seem to use so very little of what nature gave them, yet they use too much of what nature DIDN'T give them. HA!  Squirrels [and hamsters] are clearly superior! )

(SIB ACN Note: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the webhamster and do not necessarily reflect the views of the SIB or the Squirrel Government.)